The hill, though high, I covet to ascend,
The difficulty will not me offend.
For I perceive the way to life lies here;
Come, pluck up, heart, let’s neither faint nor fear.
Better, tho’ difficult, the right way to go,
Than wrong, though easy, where the end is woe.
John Bunyan, The Pilgrim’s Progress (1689)
By invitation of my friend from Biola, Peter Brown, I was able to share the following message to a nearby High School group in July 2019. The following is an edited version. There was also a Q&A after the talk, and I was given some time to type my responses. These are shown below as well.
I have two challenges that have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember: autism and apraxia. Both challenges limit my ability to speak and initiate movement. However, with some force pushing down on my arm, I can type on a keyboard.
I am grateful that my disabilities did not hinder God from choosing me to be a child in His family. Even with my limited capacity, the Holy Spirit gave my heart a desire for God, and the Holy Spirit equipped my mind so that I could understand and receive Jesus as my Lord and Savior. The list of things I can do is very short, but this does not prevent me from being a child of God. In my weakness, God is strong. I am not saved or favored by God because of my works, but because of all that Jesus did for me. He willingly died on the cross. He was the perfect Lamb of God who bore all of our sin and died the death we deserve.
He chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.
Ephesians 1:4-5
Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!
John 1:29
What an overwhelming love–we can be saved and forgiven! Christ died and was buried, but God raised Him from the dead on the third day, and Jesus walked the earth for 40 days so that all His disciples both then and now would know that He is alive. He then ascended to heaven, where He is currently at the right hand of God mediating for us. Now, those who are Christians can have the full assurance that we will pass from this life to life everlasting in the presence of God, where there is no more sin, sadness of any kind, or disability.
In the meantime, I am putting my full trust in the sovereign God who allows my body to operate this way. I can share with you some of the benefits of living as I do. I am able to spend a lot of time in prayer, and God does not need to hear my spoken word, because He knows our thoughts. Additionally, I have a lot of time to meditate on God’s Word. I listen to the Bible read aloud, and I find that this is a wonderful way to let Scripture saturate my heart. To hear each verse is to hear God’s voice, which allows us to know His mind and will for our lives.
I cannot let this affliction rob me of any joy because God is the one who gives me joy. I cannot worry or stress over what my purpose is because God has chosen me before the foundations of the world, and He has designed the works I am to do.
He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by His grace, we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.
Titus 3:5-7
For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2:10
God can choose to heal me physically. After all, He raises the dead to life. Jesus healed many in the New Testament–even some who were mute. Regardless, I am asking God, with joy in my heart, to be honored and glorified in all that He allows me to do and say each day. Although physical healing might not be God’s will for me, I have peace because God has healed my sinful heart and sealed me with the promise that He will never leave or forsake me.
I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.
John 10:28-30
“I will never leave you or forsake you.” So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?”
Hebrews 13:5-6
We are living during a time when the god of the day is “man’s will.” We need to beware of wanting God on our terms, and not obeying His terms. I want God to have first place in my life with all glory going to Him. How can I not humbly, eagerly love God who is my Savior and loved me first?
I am grateful for this opportunity to share my heart with you and encourage you to trust in God, from whom all blessings flow, including every breath. We can surrender all of our needs to Him. Perhaps He allows weakness and need in our life so that we will not be self-reliant, but instead fully depend on Him as our Lord and Savior. 1 Peter 5:6-7 begins with commands that instruct us in how God wants us to relate to Him: “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” God is fully trustworthy. Satan is the Christian’s adversary, and Peter warns us in verse 8 that Satan prowls around like a roaring lion seeking only to destroy. He might seem to be tempting us with something good, but we are his enemy, and he wants to ruin us. It is my desire to trust in God and His precious promises stated clearly in the Bible. I also know God’s warnings are for my good and are designed to bring about a fulfilling, righteous life. To give in to Satan’s temptation has not worked out for anyone–not for Adam and Eve, King David, or King Solomon, just to name a few. Gratefully, God forgives us when we repent. We need to keep reminding ourselves that, ultimately, sin offers nothing good for us. God is not withholding something good from us to be unfair or mean.
I find that, although there are a lot of things I cannot do in this life, what God has given me is still greater. He has given me peace deep down in my soul, and I trust in His care and provision for everything. God gives me joy, His perfect joy, and this comes directly from Him, and it is not based on my performance or any change in my circumstances. And God set his elective love on me unconditionally, and He fills me with a similar love. No one can love you sacrificially like God does. Every one of us loves with human love, and this love is conditional by definition. We easily love the lovely and the loveable, but God loves His children, even with weaknesses and disabilities, for all of eternity.
People evaluate me on my ability: I need good grades to stay in college, and I do not know who will hire me as an employee or if anyone would want to marry me. You might have some unanswered questions like me. If you are a Christian, pray and share it all with the Creator of the universe who loves you, chose you, and transforms your heart to desire Him. If God has performed this miracle in your life, which affects you for all eternity, there is no request too big or small. I love that our relationship with God lasts forever. What more do we really need?
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts you.
Isaiah 26:3
The fact that people draw opinions about us is out of our control. If I am seeking man’s approval, I usually will not measure up to man’s standards. I will never be the smartest, or the most athletic, and I cannot really initiate anything so that people can really know me. But God evaluates us not based on outward appearances, but rather according to my heart–whether I have godly desires and an obedient heart sold out for Him.
For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.
1 Samuel 16:7
I thank you for listening and letting me tell you about what is on my heart. This is a rare privilege. Thank you.
Questions and Answers
How do you keep your confidence and keep your head up?
I can get discouraged if I take God and His gift of salvation out of the equation. I am limited now, but not forever. I do enjoy my heart’s desire–studying at Biola–and my parents and brother make life fun.
Do you wish your life was any different?
Your question is good to think about. I think you have to go back to the fact that God is sovereign, and my disability is ordained by Him. My love for God directs me to trust that He knows what is best for me.
Have people ever treated you poorly because of your disability?
Thanks for looking out for me. Being dependent means I always need someone to protect me. I am never left alone. I am grateful this has protected me. Sometimes it hurts when people think I cannot understand, but more people are kind and give me a chance.
How have your challenges affected your education?
It takes me longer to study, and I graduated from high school in 2013. I take 3 classes a semester, and I hope to graduate in 2022 with a Bible degree. I love learning, and I am grateful for the teachers who welcome me in their class. I study with help from my shadow aide and my family. I prayed I could go to college, and they accepted me even though my situation is unique. I pray God uses me to allow others like me to attend college.
What future job do you want? What are your after-college plans?
I am not sure what I will be able to do for a job because of my limitations. I would love to make a blog and post words of godly encouragement from God’s Word. With technology, I have more possibilities. I also think God might give me opportunity to encourage families that are struggling in waiting rooms. I would like to share the Gospel and its eternal perspective in a pamphlet. Most parents fall into despair when they have a child like me. I would love to share how God loves them. With God, all things are possible, and I am studying Scripture to give godly answers.
Do you think there is anything beneficial about silent prayer compared to prayer out loud?
It is easy to get sidetracked when praying because other thoughts can flood our mind whenever we seek to focus. I am grateful I can still pray with my thoughts because my verbal speech is very limited. A good idea is to close our eyes to shut out where our eyes might take us, causing us to forget what we are saying to God. Because I can think all day about God, I love to continue in conversation with God throughout the day–thanking Him, asking for help, and praising Him. This discipline reminds me that I have a relationship with God. In this way, I know His presence all day as I commune with Him. The Holy Spirit helps me focus and makes my heart desire this in the first place.
What is your favorite animal?
Although we do not own any animals, I have a great fondness for all animals, especially giraffes with their long necks. We have peacocks all day long in our yard. They come from the Arboretum across the street. They are beautiful, but we do feel like our yard is their bird cage. People stop their cars in order to take photos of the peacocks on our property. We also have bunnies, and their white cotton tails are tremendous. Like each one of us is different, God made the animal kingdom with great creativity and variety. What kindness of God to give us animals to enjoy and take care of!
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